All of my eggs are in one basket...dammit!!

Does anyone know what happens to the eggs in the ovary that no longer have a yellow brick road ( or fallopian tube) ?? Do the eggs still mature in that ovary, only to be spat out into the abyss called the abdominal cavity? Waiting to be reabsorbed by our bodies?

All I know is now that I have had my right fallopian tube removed, I suffer from the worst symptoms at ovulation time and period time. Its awful. My bowel seems to go on holiday for a few days, followed by chronic indigestion, waves and waves of nausea and horrendous headaches to boot. I get hot flushes and I am so proud of myself at the end of the day if I didn't just stay in bed like a beached whale, drowning in my own tears and dribble. Hmm...pretty picture! I don't know anyone else who has had this happen to them so I'm not sure if its normal or not. Its hard to get a sympathetic ear from Hubby when I'm groaning and moaning around the house for what feels like half the month.

I'm always reluctant to look up symptoms and ailments on the internet. Ive done that a few times before with other things and have gone to bed convinced I am dying and it turns out its just an ulcer. Hypochondriacs must have a field day on this thing. However looking back, if I had known the symptoms of ectopic pregnancy and had calculated my own personal risk then I would have had a neon arrow above my head saying "ticking time bomb here"

 I trusted the health professionals who assessed me and now all of my eggs are in one basket. I know it isnt true but it doesnt matter Im still convinced that Ive lost half of my tubes, therefore Ive also lost half of my chances of conceiving. Im now 50% fertile, I have 50% chance of falling pregnant. HALF A CHANCE! Is that how it feels for anyone else???
One part of my brain is telling me, "no, thats not right.you know that the other ovary kicks into overdrive and pumps out more eggs meaning that your chances have only slightly gone down. The internet told you and the internet doesnt lie!!" While another part of my brain is saying," oh yeh right as if.people just say that so that we dont stress about it, because if we knew we only had half a chance and were stressing, then our chances would plummet to zero. More to the point is..I dont know. Noone knows and thats what makes it tough.

My 4 yr old son begs me for babies what seems like everyday. I'm sure it boils down to children's intuition and their remarkable ability of honing in on our weaknesses and mirroring them back to us.  He says "Ive been waiting forever Mum, whens the baby coming. Can we go to the post office and pick up the baby today? i have noone to play with I neeeeed a baby brother!" Ouch ouch ouch. Some days I laugh others I cry.I used to write it all down but now I tell him it upsets me if he keeps going on about it. Today I cried,I have to remind myself he is only 4.

Just like when he had a shower with his Dad the other night. I said "oh aren't you lucky I hardly ever get to shower with Dad." To which Dad replied "well you never ask" and my son said "that's because your a fat mumma" Then I heard the whistle as Hubby inhaled through tight lips and had a face like he had received a swift kick to the nuts. I could have got upset, but as my lower lip began to pout I remembered earlier that day I had been talking about the consequences of eating too many easter eggs and it occurred to me we had talked about getting "fat" and I reminded myself, that's right.....he is 4 and lets not forget how many easter eggs went down the hatch.

Maybe its just that time of year, with all this focus on chocolate eggs somehow I have centred that focus on my own eggs. Has anyone else blurred these lines?

MY EGGDALA

This egg was hand carved by my very talented and beautiful sister. I wish I had just half as much talent as she does. She is amazing. Awe inspiring artist, wonderful mother, understanding and loving partner, cracking lawyer, kitchen extraordinaire and I just feel lucky getting the opportunity to know her and love her for my whole life.

 Ive been using this picture as my "eggdala" Its like a mandala but for my ova. If your ovaries need a soft nudge in the right direction, take a minute to look deep into my eggdala, soothe your soul and focus on clearing your fallopian tubes. Use it to focus your energy inside of yourself and imagine your entire reproductive system glowing in white light.

Deep breaths, in through your nose out through your mouth. Feel yourself begin to relax and allow yourself to let go.

Repeat after me: I want it to happen and it will happen because I can see it happening and it looks great!

Think pink!

Janey