When does the crying stop?

This picture pretty much sums me up, most days. This is what my life has become. I find it almost impossible to feel excited. Enthusiasm no longer exists in my dictionary. I am grateful when I am able to complete simple tasks. I seriously started thinking that my blood loss during my surgery for the ectopic pregnancy had left me permanantly brain damaged somehow. I avoid making decisions like the plague, it actually hurts my brain to think too hard. Im hurting everyone around me. My husband is scared that this is what he has signed himself up for for the rest of his life, and to be honest so am I.  Not even 12 months into our marriage and I no longer resemble the woman I was. I was reading what colour personality we all are the other day and mine was violet. It said Im easy going, charismatic and positive. My husband looked at me and said,

"I think that is who you are meant to be" 

Its hard, because I know that is the person I am, its just buried under a whole pile of crap consisting of anger, confusion, pain and fear that has smothered me. The real me. I struggle to see the beauty in anything anymore. I struggle to look forward to anything either because I know its going to come eventually. You know what I mean. The day. The day that I  statisticaly speaking was unlikely to be giving birth. The day that comes and goes and leaves you feeling irritated and excited all at the same time because its inevitable. Oh the day that will come but not be owned by me. The due date of my baby that doesnt exist.

 My bestfriend and I shared the same due date. We were simultaneously laying on our couches eating crackers and sipping dry ginger ale laughing and grateful that we could be sharing this time together. Our babies will grow up together as bestfriends. Oh what a day, I was so happy that day. Green to the gills, but happy. She announced her news on Facebook, for all to see. I told her, my mum and my sister. Its funny, the difference in us now. My friend has suffered from 3 miscarriages, that I know of. Im pretty sure she had more but stopped telling people and at 5 weeks pregnant she updates her status. Me...Ive never had a miscarriage, Ive had complications and a beautiful pregnancy. Yet I didnt feel like sharing my news. Which meant when I ruptured that a lot of people were shocked. When I flew home to connect with everyone I love and cherish in my life that so nearly washed away, I saw my bestfriend. 5 months pregnant, in all its glory. She looked wonderful, god she looked wonderful. Tired and completely over it, but wonderful. I loved every minute of it. Catching up, watching our kids soak up eachother like a couple of sea sponges. Just magic. On the drive home, I crumbled. I started to shake, I felt hot, like my cheeks were on fire and the tears started to fall down my cheeks. My eyes were so blurry I couldnt drive and I had to pull over. My son in his booster seat in the back says, "Mum are you okay?whats the matter?"

I hadnt really let it all hang out in front of him, but I couldnt help it this day. I sobbed and sobbed. You know like they do on soap operas when someone dies and its so pathetic you dont know whether to laugh and keep watching or switch channels? After a couple of minutes I felt exhausted and totally ashamed.

Its been  25 weeks today since my ectopic rupture. I still sob. But usually in confined areas like the toilet, or laundry or the car. But only when Im alone.  I see pregnant women and I have caught myself saying things like , "bugger it" or "damn it" out loud. Thats right....out loud. My husband heard it the other night, and queried it. I just cleared my throat and said "what? no i didnt say anything" which is wrong, but how can i explain that to him and expect him to understand? He already looks at me like he is drawn between feeling sorry for me and getting me admitted to a psych ward. I just keep telling myself im okay. That it will go away eventually. It will get easier.

 I love holidays, I just wish that when I had decided to leave, that the rest of me had gone to. Im sort of stuck in limbo, not going anywhere until my soulmate returns to me. Except its not my soulmate im waiting for....its me.

I wonder if its a common thing to happen to women who experience the early loss of a baby or if its just me. Please let me know if your crying has stopped?

If you have had an ectopic pregnancy where did you receive your support? If you dont want to leave a comment you can leave an anonymous questionaire, by filling it in on the "your own experience" page.

Thank you.

Takecare of yourself.

Think pink

Janey