Drowning in this land of ignorance.



Ectopic pregnancy pamphlet

Ectopic pregnancy Pamphlet

King Edwards memorial hospital is where I had my son in 2007. It is the public womens hospital in Perth, Western Australia. I was online searching to see if anyone in Australia distributes an information brochure on Ectopic pregnancy. I found this one pictured here, you can see it too if you follow the link underneath. Most of the pdf documents I have found online have been of American origin.Produced by the obstetric and gynaecology associations.What I found most interesting was the contact information for women who required assistance with their ectopic pregnancy.

Whilst this hospital is situated in Australia, and is staffed by some of the worlds most honourable obstetricians and gynaecologists it fails to mention any support network available in Australia other than the usual mental health, pastoral care and social workers which are all so daunting and confrontational in there own right. It also says the statistics are 1 in 80 pregnancies in Australia are ectopic, these figures were updated in 2008. 

When mentioning support it lists Sids kids Australia. Which I associate with sudden infant death syndrome which doesnt seem particularly relevant to an ectopic pregnancy for a number of reasons which i wont go into now because of the obviousness of it. For online support it has two links to two websites in the UK. For some reason this astounds me,  one is the ectopic pregnancy trust which raises funds in the UK to help practitioners and women in the UK be more aware of ectopic pregnancy in the UK! The other site is the miscarriage association in the you guessed it...UK. Im not anti UK (The queen is on all of our money and I lurve money..haha) but I am anti Telstra haha and the cost of ringing a hotline to speak with someone who knows exactly what you need to hear as opposed to some generic form of social worker talk in the UK is going to cost you an arm and a leg. 

I would have thought 1 in 80 pregnancies being an ectopic would be considered quite common.Its not an extremely rare condition however I have read and heard time and time again that women did not know what it was until they were diagnosed with one, and its deadly. Its not just uncomfortable and sad it is deadly!

I wish I was in a position to do something about this. In my research I have found a common thread amongst women who have suffered from an ectopic pregnancy, emotional pandemonium, irrational fear, and complete isolation. There is so little support here in Australia for ectopic pregnancies, and I dont understand it. I have blogged about my experience with a GP i wont call him mine because I am never going back however when I asked him for help with my emotional and mental health he told me to look up psychologist in the yellow pages. How I refrained from slapping him across the face with my sweaty shaking palm I have no idea.But anyway.........does anyone have any suggestions on how to combat this? Can one person change this?

My husband told me a story recently on how one man brought down almost an entire community single handedly.

"Its true honey, One man can make a difference."





It all depends on how badly we want it, and when I say we  I mean this silent community of women effected by this. Has everyone in Australia that has suffered from an ectopic gone and got an engineering degree and built a bridge to get over it?  or eaten some cement and hardened the hell up or maybe got 50 cents and rung someone who cares.

Let me know how you dealt with it or are dealing with it or how you plan to deal with it if you arent right now ! If you are from another country, let me know what sort of support you have received or have on offer and if it is received well.

Think pink

Janey

Im a precious entitled woman and Im proud of it!!

I just read this interesting article on miscarriage
http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/lifestyle/life/womens-silent-suffering-20120528-1zehu.html#ixzz1wAAQF2dF

I find that a lot of women dont want to talk about it, or when my friends had suffered from miscarriage I didnt know what to say. All I knew was that it was extremely common and I think a little section of our brain is born with receptors constantly telling us that we have a huge chance of miscarrying once we see that BigFatPositive pregnancy test.That is why most, not all but a huge amount of women wait to tell anyone their pregnancy news until they are "out of the woods" so to speak.

I remember when I was pregnant my Mother in law gave me a set of Winnie the Pooh onesies and her mother was downright offended. She was in her 80s at the time and believed it was extremely rude and bad luck to give gifts to a pregnant woman so early in the pregnancy.
She tutted and shook her head in disagreement, we just smiled and giggled at eachother. But I can see where the old girl was coming from now. Who picks up those pieces when it all falls apart.

I read some of the comments and this one didnt sit well with me.

"Perhaps it's a case of what the article hints at, it's all apart of life. Some pregnancies carry through, some don't. Yes it's still terrible, but it can't be helped. I'll say that part again, it can't be helped.
So yes you need support, but it often sounds as though the precious entitlement syndrome strikes again in that because you managed to get pregnant that it means you will have a baby. Um, no sorry ladies it doesn't happen like that. Just like the myth of all births being straightforward, only a small percentage are complication free.
A strong dose of reality often goes a long way."

Commenter:Ailie.

Precious entitlement syndrome? I'm sorry what? Just because we fall pregnant does not give us the right to get excited about procreating people!?!
I wonder why Ailie thinks that just because you fall pregnant does not entitle you to a baby. I wonder when Ailie got her strong dose.

 When I had my ruptured ectopic on an island 80 miles over an ocean from a hospital, I remember listening to those helicopter blades chugging and me being so grateful I didnt live in Timor, a mere 500km away from where I was. I would have surely died, and over there it seems that the pill isn't as bitter to swallow as it is for us Australians, however, just because they are used to poverty doesn't make them less entitled. I understand I'm lucky, I understand the statistics, I understand how complicated the whole spectrum of conception is.....I don't think that I'm better or more deserving than others to have a baby, I know that. I know it wont make any difference if I do think like that. But...I am a precious entitled woman. I'm entitled to mourn my baby, I'm entitled to mourn the glimpse of the future that I will no longer get to live and breathe. I am grateful for what I have gained in this life, but do not spare me or anyone the right to be hurt by what we have lost. That is far to much to expect from any parent. Are you a parent yet Ailie? Do you have any desire to be a parent Ailie? I wonder??

Does anyone else think this comment was a bit rich??

Life after an ectopic pregnancy support group in Australia

This article talks about the trials and tribulations of women in Ireland who have experienced ectopic pregnancies and decided to start their own charity to raise awareness for other Irish women.

Life after an ectopic pregnancy

I'm looking for Australian women who have experienced ectopic pregnancy in their lifetime. So that we can

 1. Create a support network for each other (its kind of embarrassing, I'm stalking the US and UK forums at the moment due to a total lack of response from anyone in the Australian forums. I'm sick of feeling alone in this guys.

2. Create awareness of ectopic pregnancy and the dangers it presents through written and verbal publications.
I noticed that I received no written information whilst i was at and when i left the hospital. At my check ups i was checked physically, hows my pain, how are my staples, am i eating , bowel movements etc....but no "how are you doing emotionally, how is your support network going, what are you doing to heal yourself emotionally.

These are the questions we should be asking women when they confront the seriousness and reality of "dancing with death."


3. Provide a safe place for people to turn to and vent their emotions in an environment that is present when they are experiencing, loss, fear, anger, resentment, guilt, loneliness, frustration and every emotion that comes along with time.

4. Eventually build something to the stage where we too can have a charity, that supports ectopic pregnancy sufferers. I believe we are a class all of our own, we lost our babies yes....but the cherry on top is we almost lost ourselves and we don't think about that when we see that "big fat positive" do we?

We do now.......after an ectopic pregnancy its only natural. Just like the fears, anxieties and the loneliness. Its all natural, yet I had no one in Australia to tell me that.

It felt as though when i checked out of hospital I was handed a shovel, and sent on my way. Out into that mean world that tried to bump me off 6 months into my marriage and leaving my 4 yr old son motherless.I armed myself with that shovel and proceeded to dig myself a  hole that I intended to bury all of my resentment and anger and anxiety. Its hard to know how big to dig this hole when you don't have anyone there to support you, and before I knew it my hole was so big,so dark and so cold that no one could see me anymore, and it became a pit....of depression.

I didn't need a shovel....I needed a hand. A hand to guide me, to point to all the goodness in me, to pat me on the back and make me recognise just how strong I was to survive.

Don't tell me that "I'm Lucky", don't tell me" I'm okay" and don't tell me to "get over it" It doesn't help it just makes me feel more isolated and it hurts. It hurts a lot and it keeps hurting. No one told me that either. There is a lot of stuff we aren't told in Australia when we have an ectopic pregnancy, and I really want that to change.

We need it to change.


Please let me know your thoughts.


Think pink

Janey

Products of Conception....

I'm amazed at the lengths that the American and British health departments go to, to train their staff in dealing with the "sensitive" issue of foetal remains. When I say remains, it doesn't just refer to stillborn or late miscarriage, it also includes foetuses less than 24 weeks gestation. Ive seen list after list of policies and procedures in hospitals spanning over both continents, defining what to say, how to say it, and if your going to say it make sure you do it guidelines that sound so straightforward and moral.
I'm interested to know if anyone in Australia was given any options with regard to the remains of their baby once removed from their fallopian tube or miscarriage for that matter?

I didn't receive any options, I didn't know anyone was given options under these circumstances. Ive just sent the hospital that treated me an email asking them to forward me a copy of their foetal remains disposal policy, just because it was never broached as a topic.

Ive notice in a lot of Australian literature these remains are referred to as "Products from conception"  Although it does sound a little more clinical or distant than foetal remains. A little bit like my surgeon referring to my ectopic pregnancy as "tissue."

Written by me.

Another thing that has my mind boggled is the amount of research that has gone into the importance of counselling and ongoing communication with  mothers that have suffered early pregnancy loss to combat depression and further complications. Its not rocket science, it seems like complete common sense to me and yet....I had to beg for a counselling session, where a social worker from the hospital visited me in my temporary accommodation, told me she had suffered from 2 ectopic pregnancies and had not been able to have her own children,told me she was "proof" that it can happen twice. Told me to basically be grateful for having my son and handed me a "beyond blue" book and wiped her hands of me.....Ouch!

Is it a question of population? Do we just not have the population and percentage of incidences high enough to warrant such practise in this country? Or is it a question of resources? Are our resources used up and burnt out unable to cope with the level at which needs to be considered "standard"?? I don't know...I'm one of those people who isn't ashamed to say....I don't know. But what I hate is....I don't understand! What has happened to me and 2% of pregnant women in Australia, and the 20-25% of women who early miscarry in this country.....I don't understand why we aren't considered for the more "sensitive" nature of treatment in the way that all other developed countries are heavily documented.

Please let me know if you have had a different experience to me. Did you feel supported, did you feel your emotional needs were met as opposed to strictly physical? Were you discharged and followed up on to prevent depression? Were you advised of what was happening with your babies remains? 

Think Pink

Janey

Side serving of Ectopic Pregnancy awareness anyone?

Im not a health professional, but I know a lot about my body. Im not going to be naive enough to say I know everything, but when you go through something like I have, you begin to understand that you can not trust in every health professional that comes your way either. I read these notes and articles and it scares me. It scares me a lot, because where is the awareness? They all mention a need for an increase in awareness for ectopic pregnancy with general practitioners, but what about the general public, what about every woman of child bearing age? How many women find themselves in an emergency department hours away from death only to be sent home with a diagnosis of gastroenteritis. The only reason I am alive today is because I grabbed my nurses arm, I looked her in the eye and I said, "This doesn't feel like a miscarriage okay, it feels like my bowel is twisted and I am about to explode!" I saw the light bulb switch on in her head and she then and only then called for the doctor. Its all here in black and white, mostly in general practitioner blogs, journals, articles and fundraiser forums but how many young girls who have just started having unprotected sex read these? How many women who have had abdominal surgery, or c sections or  treated for chlamydia are told that now they have an increase chance of ectopic pregnancy? 

 Ectopic pregnancy is about baby loss and it is horribly sad but I cant help but think that we aren't informed of just how deadly it is. It seems to be dealt with under the baby loss umbrella, which is not allowing women to identify with the mortality risk associated with this event.Don't get me wrong, I mourn for my baby that I lost but I also think about how close I came to losing everything and it didn't necessarily have to be that way, if I had been  informed and if the health practitioners who treated me had been properly educated in ectopic pregnancy it may have been a very different story.

Here are a few facts that every woman should know.
"Ectopic pregnancy is still the most common cause of first trimester maternal deaths, accounting for 73% of early pregnancy mortalities."

"Ectopic pregnancy was the fourth most common cause of maternal death in the most recent Confidential Enquiry into Maternal Deaths (CEMD) the United Kingdom 2000–2002; accounting for 11 out of 15 (73%) early pregnancy deaths.

In the last triennial report, the mortality rate for deaths from ectopic pregnancies had not declined since the previous triennial report, and was still an increase on the rates described 10 years ago. Two-thirds of women who died from ectopic pregnancy were misdiagnosed in primary care or ED settings."

Drife J, Lewis G. eds. Why mothers die. Triennial report 2000–2002.Confidential enquiries into maternal deaths. UK: RCOG, 2004.

Im sorry what? Two thirds of these women who died were misdiagnosed once they were treated by their health practitioners? They didn't faint on their couch, alone not knowing they were pregnant and bleeding out..blaming last nights vindaloo.... none the wiser....they were within the health system....right there amongst the thick of it...with all the resources needed to save their lives and the health system failed them!

"Performing qualitative urine dipstick testing for human chorionic gonadotrophin (hCG) with appropriate use of transvaginal ultrasound scan (TVS) on all women with unexplained abdominal pain certainly has cost implications, however this is one simple way to decrease death rates from ectopic pregnancy."

Drife J, Lewis G. eds. Why mothers die. Triennial report 2000–2002.
Confidential enquiries into maternal deaths. UK: RCOG, 2004.

Cost implications, I wonder how much it costs? In comparison to how much of our tax dollars go towards fixing "preventable" illnesses. A pregnancy test is surely a pitance I bought 40 sensitive tests off ebay for $8.00 (AU)!! I doubt if the results are negative that any patients would be followed up on with a transvaginal ultrasound anyway.This is where it would be getting costly.

Like I say if you have a positive pregnancy test result....

"Dont be suicidal, Get a transvaginal!"

"The IUCD is the only contraceptive method associated with increased risk after discontinuation of use."

Mol BW, Ankum WM, Bossuyt PM, Van der Veen F. Contraception and the risk of ectopic pregnancy. Contraception 1995;52:337–41.

13% of women in the world opt for an Intrauterine contraceptive device, how many of these women are screened for the likelihood of ectopic pregnancy prior to insertion. Without the knowledge that their chances increase whether or not they still have the device in when they fall pregnant??????

I could go on forever,the list is astounding. The only reason I have this knowledge, is because I trusted my health practitioners with my life and they nearly lost it so now I research and research and research.

 How many women and girls for that matter will lose their lives this year because they were not aware of the risk factors of an ectopic pregnancy, or will present at hospital with lower abdominal pain only to be sent home diagnosed with a stomach upset.

 I find it hard to sleep at night knowing this is happening all the time. I wonder how many women die and are pronounced dead via heart failure or organ failure with everyone neglecting to notice a foetus in their tubes. uhh........too scary!!

Please take the time to read this full article by George Condous.

We can not rely solely on the health system to stop women dying from this, we need to increase ectopic pregnancy awareness. The UK has a trust and an association and the US has a foundation, what does Australia have?


Think Pink

Janey

TTC after an ectopic pregnancy is tough..

I was looking for the perfect word to describe what has been happening with my body, mind and soul since I have experienced my ectopic pregnancy. The word is

Exacerbated; ex·ac·er·bat·ed, ex·ac·er·bat·ing, ex·ac·er·bates

To increase the severity, violence, or bitterness of; to aggravate!

Oh yeh...thats the word. Noone can explain it to me, noone can support me in my own little self pity rave Ive got going on over here....massive party of ....one!! 

It started with my bowel movements. The day I was discharged and everyday since then my dysfunctional relationship with my bowel has been exacerbated. I have pain, with every bowel movement, its sluggish and the uncomfortable feeling of being full never goes away. It has never been a great relationship but since the operation I have been questioning a divorce.

I am trying to counteract this by abstaining from any form of alcohol, tea and chocolate. Ive also just started the All bran  10 day challenge and the Brauer 20 day detox. Im a real pleasure to live with right now!But hay its worth a shot. Ill let you know how I go.

I have a few skin problems, I always have. They were well and truly around prior to my ectopic pregnancy however.....now they have been exacerbated.

Psoriasis: normally at times of peak stress I would find a halo of psoriasis around my hair line. At the moment I have patches on my face, my eyebrows are constantly shedding, and my entire scalp is flaking what did my husband call them ?.....oatmeal! I had a full blown panic attack when I looked into the mirror and saw flakes the size of a 10 cent piece hanging off my forehead. Okay slight exaggeration...at least a 5 cent piece.

Eczema:I used to occasionally get a couple of spots under my rings if I washed the dishes with a strong detergent.At the moment I cant clench my hand into a fist because the skin splits and cracks and hurts something chronic.

Acne: Okay, when I was in high school I had about 4 pimples...in total.Yeh I know...who am I to complain....what a bitch.However...during my first pregnancy I copped a few pearlers on the chin. You know those blind ones you cant squeeze and you feel like introducing them by name amongst company.Well now I have them all over me, on my  back, chin, neck, behind my ears on my ass up my nose.In places I didnt even know you could get pimples and there they are.Its humiliating, and its driving me crazy.

Currently trying to lay off the steroid creams but  unfortunately they seem to be the only thing working on my hands.

Hormonal Swings: Ive always been a little bit fiery at that time of the month, little bit quick to shed a tear or do a bit of hen pecking on the old man Hubby.But recently this has been exacerbated. I now have borderline split personality disorder (self diagnosed)well not really but in all seriousness I now have a huge amount of period pain, hormonal migraines at ovulation and menstruation, ovulation pain, panic attacks, anxiety, insomnia, nightmares, irrational fears, uncontrollable crying, emotional outbursts. Just downright insane behaviour that I do not relate to as being "me"

Tension headaches: I used to get these when super stressed out. Now I get them whenever I have to make a decision, think quickly, react quickly.Anything quick and my head starts to thump like a sub woofer.

Indigestion and Heartburn: For some reason when I eat now at certain times of the month I get really bad heartburn. To the point where I have ulcer medication to treat it. It hurts a lot and I don't have anything to eat that could be causing it, Im guessing it is hormonal and from what I have read it is reasonably common but no one can explain the whys and hows of it.

TMJ Inflammation:I have always had a tight jaw, but since the surgery I constantly grind my teeth together, its like a nervous twitch and I am constantly dealing with my temperal mandibular joint being so inflamed that I find it difficult to chew. On a positive note I wonder if it will help me lose weight.

Oh yeh another thing that has been exacerbated: Weight gain: I have been piling on the pounds like a bear preparing to go into hibernation for 100 years! It feels like because the pregnancy didn't get to continue, my bum cheeks have decided to separate and multiply like that of a developing zygote. Its horrid and only in the space of a few weeks hardly any of my clothes fit and my diet hasn't changed all that much.

All these things to swallow and throw that all in with trying to conceive! Phew...a farting, flaking,itching, crying, moaning, burping, fat assed yetti? who doesn't want to make babies with that pretty picture? Oh God help me!!Things have got to change.....................now!!! Wish me luck guys!

 Think pink

Janey

Could it be low progesterone?

There is a link between low progesterone and ectopic pregnancy. Its hard to say what caused my ectopic because I have had my appendix out on my right side and a previous c-section and my surgeon said these would have contributed to my ectopic rupture.It is said that low progesterone slows down the movement of the fertilised ovum to the uterus, ending in the egg implanting in the fallopian tube.I saw some crazy statistic stating that something like 95% of women who have had an  ectopic pregnancy have low progesterone.  I have now been researching the symptoms of low progesterone because the last few months have been just awful.

Here is a list of

Low progesterone symptoms:

The problem with progesterone imbalances is the symptoms typically mimic those of other disorders. Besides infertility and pregnancy loss, low progesterone symptoms can include:
Mood swings..........................big fat tick next to this one!
Depression..............................for lack of a better word, yes!
   Insomnia..............................hmmm...sometimes
Appetite changes....................did anyone see the mack truck drop off a load of lindt chocolate at the gates of my house?
   Weight changes...................Ive put on 10 kilograms in 3 months I'd say..yay.
   Irritability.............................only 90% of the time.
   Lack of concentration...........sorry what? oh yeh I get this too.
   Anxiety.................................every day.
   Fatigue..................................usually with the insomnia.
   Frequent menstruation..........nope
Irregular menstruation.............*warning POTMI (possibility of too much information......Aunt Flow only comes for 3 days at a time. She used to stick around for the whole week...she has been a bit bitchy lately.
   Low sex drive.......................doesnt everyone need a bottle of bubbly to get in the mood? Okay I would go as far as to say ....severely low...like below zero and declining....yep I'm at bleeding point.
   Migraines..............................for 3 days when I ovulate and 3 days when I menstruate.
   PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome)....hmmm not familiar with this one
   Vaginal dryness....................a little uncomfortable answering this but its worth considering.What a prude?
   Painful intercourse................yeh alright...it can be... just a little and no hubby that is not a compliment!.

Holy Gorganzolla, Its not looking good for me is it? I booked in with a General Practitioner today to ask to have my levels checked. I havent seen a doctor since my rupture, over 6 months ago. I have been sitting here patiently waiting for everything to just slot back into place...and it hasn't. Infact..I'm watching it all come crumbling down around my feet and today I thought i would just bite the bullet. Its hard to find good help isn't it...to cut a long story short I questioned my anxiety and depression only to be told to look up psychologist in the yellow pages, and after i do that if i need medication to come back because that is his speciality. WOW...I sat there and pictured myself doing starfish jumps with pom poms chanting "give me a W give me an A give me an N give me a K give me an A, what does that spell"  yeh that's right....Maybe Ive seen too many episodes of Glee!

I found myself in a pool of tears, flooded with memories of the rupture, the pain, the flight, the surgery the recovery  the scars the injustice...I sat there today and soaked up all of his incompetence and thought....how can I expect more? 
So.....I went home and I took the advice of that doctors excuse for a rectum and picked up my yellow pages and then realised that the yellow pages for Darwin is pitiful. So I did what everyone else does these days doc and I googled. Except I'm not looking up a psychologist. I'm looking for a Medical Negligence lawyer, I need to lay this to rest.

Think Pink

Janey

Find answers or shut up and be grateful?

Random Questions that require light shed upon them....and for the life of me no one can give me answers.

Can receiving blood transfusions from donors with acne give the patient acne?
Ever since my full blood transfusion I have been a pimple headed freak (well pimple backed freak to be precise) yet no one can confirm if this is related. Ive never had pimples on my back before and I find myself wondering if there is a connection. Ive seen some documentaries that show a patient receives an organ transplant then experiences something wacky or behaves out of character and it has something to do with the person who donated their organs. Organs are made up of cells, blood is made up of cells...hence I have queried the connection. Don't get me wrong...given the choice between 6 feet under or acne, the puss wins...every time..but what if I'm on to something here people? Its hard enough to donate blood in Australia without screening us for skin problems as well right...but what if they go as far as to limit your donating capacity on your standing within the community? What if there is an immediate correlation?

I can conclude this theory with the whole fact that a**holes wouldn't be selfless enough to donate blood...so every cell whether riddled with pimple tendencies or not has come from a generous, caring soul.For now I am content imagining a pimply nerd with glasses and a huge heart laying in the chair donating blood, blood that has saved my life.

 What are your thoughts?

Has anyone here been saved by the Red Cross blood bank and had anything strange happen that stood out to you as uncharacteristic?

Is Winsenga the answer?

This brand new invention from 3 students at Makerere University is going to save many many lives around the globe. It is cheap to manufacture in comparison to ultrasound machines and detects early pregnancy complications such as ectopic pregnancy. Early diagnosis is the only key to survival.
Makerere invents pregnancy machine

Did I have an ectopic pregnancy because of stress?

My husband and I held off from trying for a baby after we were married because  we had just done the noble thing for our family and decided to invest in our future well being. We got private health insurance. WOO HOO  Thats not true really, the main incentive for getting private health insurance is because we wanted to have a baby, but when I had spoken to all the new mums at our tiny mothers group on the island they all warned me against the maternity ward at the public hospital. DONT DO IT was the main consensus so I planned not to. AH...the luxury of planning!
We hadnt exactly planned our son, he was a lovely...surprise!
It was the summer of 2007, I was studying at university, living on 2 minute noodles and poached eggs and working at a local mens day spa as a remedial massage therapist. I was a heavy smoker and a sociable drinker when I could afford it that is.I had just split with my then boyfriend, I was hoping to feel free and ready to conquer the world, but instead I had constant stomach upset, bad bad bad crying bouts that lasted for hours, major mood swings (hence the breaking up in the first place) and chronic period pain with no period. Hmmm....had to fork out food money, $9.99 on a pregnancy stick that I knew was a waste when.....ah.....okay 2 red lines. That means Im not pregnant right?     right?? 
Then theres the whole frantic search for the box on the floor and the cup full of my own piss falls off the rim of the toilet onto my pants and the floor and a roommate bangs on the door wanting to use the toilet blahdy blahdy blahhhhh......freakin nightmare!

I was lucky I had a boyfriend who could understand that the pregnancy had made me go a little..I dont know...NUTS!

Three months after he was born, I had a copper IUD put in which was great to start with. No chemical contraception whilst breast feeding, and not having to stress about pregnancy! Bliss! 3 days after the wedding, I had my IUD yanked out, I say yanked because the doctor had to just about put her feet in stirrups and use her whole body weight to get this thing out. It hurt...like Alleluia I can see the white light a comin..hurt. My sister had warned me that it feels like a swift kick to the guts but it goes in a few seconds. Well...thanks for the heads up sis!  I actually screamed the "f" word...twice, I shook like a banshee and squeezed the nurses hand like I was popping out triplets in unison. Afterwards I had to do the walk of shame, back out to the reception desk and through the waiting room which was full of curious staring eyes. Im sure they were looking to see if I had just had a limb torn off or something. I gave the sweet lady behind the counter money and slowly hobbled out to the car where my husband and son greeted me in the carpark. Needless to say I wasnt feeling like the perky sexy newly wedded bride that I thought I would but oh well...now we could make babies....no wait hang on....private health doesnt cover obstetrics for 12 months!!!....so we had to wait 3 months before we could try. Ouch.....

So...newly married and back to using condoms!? YAY!! So unfair...so in three months I think we had sex twice!!
Then the date came up and it was all systems go....except as always..things popped up.  Everywhere, like a fungus. A mushroom farm of problems. Nothing major just little crops of them popping up on everything like mushrooms do.

My husband offered me a job, for 3 weeks with decent pay but there was a catch. I had to do 2 weeks training with the accountant and this guy is like a tall Kim Jong-il. Even looks like him a bit too. Two words sum him up....Nut Job!

 During this 5 weeks needed a baby sitter for my son, and it was also his 4th birthday so we invited both of his grandmothers up to stay.The overlap of them staying was his birthday party, so both mothers were in the house for 3 nights.

What was I thinking?

Super stressful environment, crazy stressful well...for an Australian anyway. This is when I fell pregnant, which has made me question if conceiving whilst stressed out results in more ectopic pregnancies.

Well....according to a study done in the United States at a hospital they observed pregnant resident doctors who worked in excess of 40 hours a week and compared them to their colleagues pregnant wives and there was no evidence that being stressed leads to any more complications in pregnancy. Amazing....and here I was blaming the stress.

I made the best cake for my son though, because all of our groceries travel such a long distance the supermarkets substitute items if what you order is out of stock. I ordered vanilla icing and received "royal icing" which I had never used before.What a rigmarole! But I think it looked great!!!

Think pink

Janey

Shifting focus.

Lately I am struggling with the whole concept of TTC or (trying to conceive rather) for those of you that are not familiar with the abbreviation. All of the lingo and abbreviations that I have come across whilst snooping around in the baby and mummy forums is quite overwhelming. I realise that I have led such a sheltered existence when it comes to TTC. Noone in my family has had trouble TTC before, 1 of my friends has had trouble with miscarrying but has since pumped out 3 pumpkins in a row with seemingly little effort. Okay thats not true, but she makes it look easy.
Originally after my ectopic pregnancy I thought I would wait for a while to try and fall pregnant again, apart from the fact my husband now looks at me as though if he has sex with  me Ive now got a 15% chance of spontaneously exploding, it made sense to wait until I have healed.

How long does the healing take?

If you lose a pregnancy, foetus, baby whichever you chose to call it do we ever heal? 

I have to remind myself everyday, out loud " Jane you have lost a tube, not... I repeat not your mind!!"
Okay...so maybe I have lost a little bit of my mind somewhere along the way. I think it probably has more to do with being dropped regularly as a baby, but all of my siblings profusely deny.. deny.. deny!! hahaha I do talk to myself a lot though, Im the best support person I know...actually Im a pretty crappy support person but beggars cant be choosers. Im living in a new town, I dont know a soul, I have no friends in the flesh, Im homesick, Im cranky all of the time, Im unemployed and I feel like I am constantly letting down my son and my husband.Blah blah blah rant rant rant...ahhh this feels great. The tricky thing is, this dark little thought slips in through the gaps saying, " If I hadnt lost the baby everything would be perfect right now"

Well we all know thats bullshit! 

Its not true, I know its not true. For one, I would have put on atleast 25 kilograms by now, bitching about the weather and how tired I am and how I cant wait to be able to see my ankles again, guzzling antacids repeatedly to beat the chronic heartburn stressed out of my brain that something might go wrong.Waking from nightmares of giving birth to a blue mutant..yay!And thats before the birth!!!Why do I feel like Im missing out here again, I forget?

 From now on Im now shifting my focus. Im going to TTC. Except now I'm going to create instead of conceive.

Trying To Create!

• Im going to try and heal through creating art.
• I will invest more energy in creating a happy home
• I want to actively create awareness of ectopic pregnancy.

If in the meantime, we create a baby well...that would be awesome. I dont necessarily believe that babies choose their parents, but in the event that they do... we dont want to come across as too desperate now do we ladies?

Wish me luck!!

Think pink.

Janey

 





Study Reveals New Tubal Ectopic Pregnancy Diagnosis Method

Study Reveals New Tubal Ectopic Pregnancy Diagnosis Method

Is your skin putting you at risk of an ectopic?

There have been studies done to see the relationship between the skin disease Psoriasis and pregnancy complications. The results shocked me. If you suffer from psoriasis you are between 3 and 4 times more likely to suffer from an ectopic pregnancy.

The review identified 358 psoriasis patients who had had at least two diagnoses for psoriasis and 131,424 women who were similar except for no psoriasis diagnosis.

Women with psoriasis had a significantly higher rate of ectopic pregnancy, 13.6% of psoriasis patients versus 3% without psoriasis.

I have mild psoriasis, that is exacerbated with stress. After my ectopic pregnancy I could barely see through my eyes because of the skin flakes dropping from my eyebrows. "let it snow, let it snow let it snow"

I had no idea that my skin put me at a higher risk of complications, not just ectopic pregnancy either.

To read the entire study please follow this link.

Just stick to one?

After an ectopic pregnancy, its easy to focus all of your attention on what you missed out on and what you may never have. Im finding myself today, being grateful for having one child. He may be spoilt rotten and totally unbearable at times. But I dont know what I would do if I went a day without smelling his pungent boy smells of  sweat, dirt and fart all mixed together.
Im the youngest of four kids so yeh, I was practically an only child too, but with 5 parents. I didnt have to do a thing for myself until I was atleast 7 years of age. I know I was unbearable, and my mother told me a few times,if I had been the first she wouldnt have had anymore.

My child is the only "only child" in his preschool class. Woh....double whammy!! He begs me for a baby most days, and Im sure eventually we will give it a real bash. We arent really trying we are just doing the "woops,lets see how that pans out" approach. Ive never been a fan of taking my internal temperature, weeing on sticks, testing my vaginal mucous etc like the hardcore Mums. But....on the otherhand Ive never been desperately trying to get pregnant either. It scares me, because in the back of my mind Im thinking what if I have another ectopic, what if I cant get pregnant now, or ever?? 

Oh dear God, look out. If I do become desperate for a baby please hunt me down and shoot me. You will have permission from my husband, I swear!

I feel for the women in our community who have had an ectopic pregnancy for their first pregnancy and now live with the fear of having another one and the fear of not ever having a baby of their own. I read about it in some of the forums and it happens a lot around the world. I read these articles and I feel guilty for winging and whining about my experience when I have a child already. There are times when I think about the good old days before I had him, like when I could have a shit alone and in peace. But thats about it...my life is a lot richer now with him in it. I am grateful for him, even if it seems I am not.

I just hope this whole saga with me hasnt effected him too much. I worry sometimes that it has effected him. He doesnt get to see the best of me, most of the time. I try to hide my sorrow, but kids arent stupid. They sniff that stuff out in a jiffy.Before you know it your looking down on a mini you, kicking screaming and crying on the floor feeling jealous that you cant get away with behaving like that at your age. It must feel good letting out all that rage.

To all of you in the midst of giving it a bash, I wish you luck, baby dust and all that jazz for your little jelly beans. Let me know how you got your head around the fear of another ectopic? Anyone successfully pregnant here after losing a tube? I would love to know. But please one at a time people, I hate being bombarded with comments ;)

Takecare and be grateful. Exercise focus on what you do have. Heres a simple but important one....your breathing. Thats worth a smile just thinking about it, because your human and you can. Smile with me!

Think pink

Janey

When does the crying stop?

This picture pretty much sums me up, most days. This is what my life has become. I find it almost impossible to feel excited. Enthusiasm no longer exists in my dictionary. I am grateful when I am able to complete simple tasks. I seriously started thinking that my blood loss during my surgery for the ectopic pregnancy had left me permanantly brain damaged somehow. I avoid making decisions like the plague, it actually hurts my brain to think too hard. Im hurting everyone around me. My husband is scared that this is what he has signed himself up for for the rest of his life, and to be honest so am I.  Not even 12 months into our marriage and I no longer resemble the woman I was. I was reading what colour personality we all are the other day and mine was violet. It said Im easy going, charismatic and positive. My husband looked at me and said,

"I think that is who you are meant to be" 

Its hard, because I know that is the person I am, its just buried under a whole pile of crap consisting of anger, confusion, pain and fear that has smothered me. The real me. I struggle to see the beauty in anything anymore. I struggle to look forward to anything either because I know its going to come eventually. You know what I mean. The day. The day that I  statisticaly speaking was unlikely to be giving birth. The day that comes and goes and leaves you feeling irritated and excited all at the same time because its inevitable. Oh the day that will come but not be owned by me. The due date of my baby that doesnt exist.

 My bestfriend and I shared the same due date. We were simultaneously laying on our couches eating crackers and sipping dry ginger ale laughing and grateful that we could be sharing this time together. Our babies will grow up together as bestfriends. Oh what a day, I was so happy that day. Green to the gills, but happy. She announced her news on Facebook, for all to see. I told her, my mum and my sister. Its funny, the difference in us now. My friend has suffered from 3 miscarriages, that I know of. Im pretty sure she had more but stopped telling people and at 5 weeks pregnant she updates her status. Me...Ive never had a miscarriage, Ive had complications and a beautiful pregnancy. Yet I didnt feel like sharing my news. Which meant when I ruptured that a lot of people were shocked. When I flew home to connect with everyone I love and cherish in my life that so nearly washed away, I saw my bestfriend. 5 months pregnant, in all its glory. She looked wonderful, god she looked wonderful. Tired and completely over it, but wonderful. I loved every minute of it. Catching up, watching our kids soak up eachother like a couple of sea sponges. Just magic. On the drive home, I crumbled. I started to shake, I felt hot, like my cheeks were on fire and the tears started to fall down my cheeks. My eyes were so blurry I couldnt drive and I had to pull over. My son in his booster seat in the back says, "Mum are you okay?whats the matter?"

I hadnt really let it all hang out in front of him, but I couldnt help it this day. I sobbed and sobbed. You know like they do on soap operas when someone dies and its so pathetic you dont know whether to laugh and keep watching or switch channels? After a couple of minutes I felt exhausted and totally ashamed.

Its been  25 weeks today since my ectopic rupture. I still sob. But usually in confined areas like the toilet, or laundry or the car. But only when Im alone.  I see pregnant women and I have caught myself saying things like , "bugger it" or "damn it" out loud. Thats right....out loud. My husband heard it the other night, and queried it. I just cleared my throat and said "what? no i didnt say anything" which is wrong, but how can i explain that to him and expect him to understand? He already looks at me like he is drawn between feeling sorry for me and getting me admitted to a psych ward. I just keep telling myself im okay. That it will go away eventually. It will get easier.

 I love holidays, I just wish that when I had decided to leave, that the rest of me had gone to. Im sort of stuck in limbo, not going anywhere until my soulmate returns to me. Except its not my soulmate im waiting for....its me.

I wonder if its a common thing to happen to women who experience the early loss of a baby or if its just me. Please let me know if your crying has stopped?

If you have had an ectopic pregnancy where did you receive your support? If you dont want to leave a comment you can leave an anonymous questionaire, by filling it in on the "your own experience" page.

Thank you.

Takecare of yourself.

Think pink

Janey