After an ectopic pregnancy, its easy to focus all of your attention on what you missed out on and what you may never have. Im finding myself today, being grateful for having one child. He may be spoilt rotten and totally unbearable at times. But I dont know what I would do if I went a day without smelling his pungent boy smells of sweat, dirt and fart all mixed together.
Im the youngest of four kids so yeh, I was practically an only child too, but with 5 parents. I didnt have to do a thing for myself until I was atleast 7 years of age. I know I was unbearable, and my mother told me a few times,if I had been the first she wouldnt have had anymore.
My child is the only "only child" in his preschool class. Woh....double whammy!! He begs me for a baby most days, and Im sure eventually we will give it a real bash. We arent really trying we are just doing the "woops,lets see how that pans out" approach. Ive never been a fan of taking my internal temperature, weeing on sticks, testing my vaginal mucous etc like the hardcore Mums. But....on the otherhand Ive never been desperately trying to get pregnant either. It scares me, because in the back of my mind Im thinking what if I have another ectopic, what if I cant get pregnant now, or ever??
Oh dear God, look out. If I do become desperate for a baby please hunt me down and shoot me. You will have permission from my husband, I swear!
I feel for the women in our community who have had an ectopic pregnancy for their first pregnancy and now live with the fear of having another one and the fear of not ever having a baby of their own. I read about it in some of the forums and it happens a lot around the world. I read these articles and I feel guilty for winging and whining about my experience when I have a child already. There are times when I think about the good old days before I had him, like when I could have a shit alone and in peace. But thats about it...my life is a lot richer now with him in it. I am grateful for him, even if it seems I am not.
I just hope this whole saga with me hasnt effected him too much. I worry sometimes that it has effected him. He doesnt get to see the best of me, most of the time. I try to hide my sorrow, but kids arent stupid. They sniff that stuff out in a jiffy.Before you know it your looking down on a mini you, kicking screaming and crying on the floor feeling jealous that you cant get away with behaving like that at your age. It must feel good letting out all that rage.
To all of you in the midst of giving it a bash, I wish you luck, baby dust and all that jazz for your little jelly beans. Let me know how you got your head around the fear of another ectopic? Anyone successfully pregnant here after losing a tube? I would love to know. But please one at a time people, I hate being bombarded with comments ;)
Takecare and be grateful. Exercise focus on what you do have. Heres a simple but important one....your breathing. Thats worth a smile just thinking about it, because your human and you can. Smile with me!
Think pink
Janey
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